Penance

[Matt (Ghoulie)]

I intend this post to be a lengthy one but I ask that either you read it in its entirety or simple not at all.  Everything I put in this thread builds on each other, and without reading the whole thing I fear one may miss the point.

Soon after the first atomic bomb was detonated Robert J Oppenheimer was quoted saying “I am become death, the destroyer of worlds.”  But photos and films of Oppenheimer only a few days earlier of him literally duct taping the bomb together showed him smiling, beaming even.  Thus one can only come to the conclusion that until he saw the destructive power that he had created Oppenheimer didn't fully understand the gravity of what he was doing.  To this end I have recently come to identify with Oppenheimer a bit more. 

Now I understand my actions of recent are not nearly on the scale of what Oppenheimer did but the weight on my humble shoulders is rather heavy.  The actions I speak of are my recent malicious actions to destroy what others and myself have built up.  When the plans were in the making I truly did not realize what I was doing to those that I have come to forge relationships with over the past few years.  Perhaps it was do to my unrelenting thirst for seeing and doing something new.  Perhaps it was my youth.  Perhaps I am really as much of an asshole as I have been making my self out to be over the past few years.  But what ever the reason I find my actions of recent shortsighted, selfish and not what I intended to have happen when concocting my plan.

I have beat around the bush for long enough, my plans of recent can be linked directly to the recent news Donnie posted.  It was my plan to take those who had frustrations with our current progression and splinter.  When I approached Donnie with this he was much more okay with it than I had thought he would be; even going to such lengths as to cover our asses on the way out.  But when I finally read the post the gravity finally set it.

Now I want to make it clear at this time that if I had not taken these actions as of late it would not be all lolly pops and golden coins.  Many of you realized that we have been in dire straits as of recent.  The aforementioned frustrations still existed and would have led to action on their part if I had not done what I have done.  Many of you were looking at me for some sort of inspiration, and though at many times I am very willing to give it, as of late my tank has been running empty.  For the past month I have been considering quiting WoW on almost a daily basis.  Thus in when making my choice to splinter and even now I truly believe that we were on a downward spiral into oblivion.  So in theory all I did was speed up the inevitable.  Put grandma down the chosen few could claim their inheritance.  So by any logical means the sin of destruction of the guild must now bear less weight.  Unfortunately this is not the truth.

The ends were obviously wrong for many reasons.  The foremost is I have left numerous individuals high and dry for my own interests.  Now I am not going to lie for some of you this was an acceptable cost but for so many more of you I feel that I have done you wrong and I have no way to remedy this.  Now the real kicker and what I have lost recent sleep over is the means.  I have turned into the cooperation, the person that is willing to crush others to preserve his own self interests.  Now I am not stupid enough to think that I was incapable of doing such a thing before the present of WoW in my life but I can't stop but feeling that the nature of the game urged it onward.

This has drawn me to the conclusion to end my WoW carrier.  I refuse to let the influence of one of my largest moral conflicts continue to have sway over me.  Also as a form of penance I have chosen not to take part of the fruit of my recent labors. 

Though I have laid out my actions as subversive and malicious they are my actions alone.  All that have followed me or conspired in my plans are free from sin.  I simply showed them the reward for my misdoings, I did nothing to show them the consequences.

LaG as a raiding entity is fundamentally dead.  I have stolen from you the core of your best players.  Rebuilding on a server like Zulu is possible but highly unlikely.  I am sure some of you will either leave WoW or try and find a home else where.  My recommendation is to take a break for a little while, go out smell the roses.  This game really sucks the fuck out of your soul in the long run.

I sincerely apologize to all of those I have wronged; especially Donnie.  I have skull fuck what he and many others have built up over the past 4 years.  I have also abused the power bestowed upon me in the worst possible way.

In closing my intent was to make a utopia.  I got caught up in the ideals and flash lights of the possibilities that I may gain from actions.  Again this may just be my stupid youth; at least stupid youth is a bit easier to sallow than the pure fact that I am an ass hat.  But I can not truly make a utopia built on the shoulders of those I have subjugated.

My last farewell:
I have three more things that I feel necessary to say before leaving.  Two are messages to individuals and one is another moral conflict I had do to this game. 

Firstly to Katronia.  I have no idea if she still reads these forums but I trust that this message will move its way through the grape vein to her.  You are a vacuous idiot.  You rely on others information to do anything for yourself and even then you fail at every turn.  You are unsympathetic and cruel.  In short you are an oxygen thief.

Secondly to Baneswife.  I will try to say this in the most tactful way that I can.  This has nothing to do with you as a person, mother, wife or any other role you see yourself fitting in the world; this strictly has to do with you as a WoW player.  As a WoW player you are bad, and not just slightly bad but vastly bad.  You blame it on your gear level but again and again you display that you don't understand the subtle aspects of the game to even become a mediocre player.  I understand that you use the game as a social outlet and thats fine, but you try and compete with competent players which in my honest opinion will only lead you to dismay.

Lastly were the events that surrounded Hodges and his removal.  Hodges is by no means a normal or well adjust person, but he serves one very import job he challenges our current society.  We are all socialized to believe certain things, to follow certain rules.  Many times we accept these with no questions asked.  A person like Hodges questioned them at every turn, and no only questions them but challenges them in a public form.  Now the way many of you met his challenging of the norm was bigoted.  He has his own believes that he came to under his own terms, this did not match up with your concepts of normality thus you all turned into angry villagers with pitchforks and fire.  Some of you may rebuttal with the simple fact that he may have had mean words with you, I assure you these were not unprovoked.  Through out the entire time that I knew Hodges he has yet to say a mean or hurtful thing to me.  This was due to the fact that I actually accepted him for who he was.  Everyone who reads this could have done the same.  You did not have to agree with his ideals or concepts but you have let live.  But no many of you chose to challenge him and turn him into an outcast.

His removal led to my first major moral conflict I had with my position.  I truly believed that a moral wrong doing was done to the boy and yet I did nothing to help preserve the wellbeing of the guild.  In retrospect I should have stood up for what I believed but I stood quietly while I allowed this injustice to continue; going back on everything I had in myself as a person.  I do find it a rather ironical serious of Freudian events that started with my first moral conflict to try and preserve the guild then my second moral conflict resulting in its demise. 

I apologize for any typos misspellings or parts that don't make 100% sense.

[Brandon (Biggus)]

Every time I see your name I think of our days running MC with Greiver.  Those are memories I'll never forget. <3

[Giller]

My recommendation is to take a break for a little while, go out smell the roses. 

I think this sounds like a good idea for me.

It's too bad Hodges was never online at the same time as Roadill.  I think that would have been fun to watch.

[Donnie (S3 / Jagor)]

My recommendation is to take a break for a little while, go out smell the roses. 

I think this sounds like a good idea for me.

It's too bad Hodges was never online at the same time as Roadill.  I think that would have been fun to watch.

It's probably a good recommendation for everyone.

And in response to your comment Giller, "Don't you speak that evil on me Ricky Bobby!"

As for a wholesale response to Matt's thread I don't have the ability to make one.  I will chat with him in private about each portion of it in depth, I'm sure.

[renegades]

Hats off!!

To one of our best raid leader, one of our friend, and most of all one of our family members

to you matt!

good luck on your future and enjoy every moment of it

always and forever will be a lagger.

[Donnie (Arne)]

There will be no greater war a person will fight than the one in one's own heart!

I am still useful for thoughtful meditations 

[magus]

i trult feal for your inner struggles young padewan, but i fear you still have much to learn. i do not entirely agree or disagree with everything you haves said. but i do know this, i too am not pleased with hodges outcome. i feel he met a raw deal, and if what was told to me is true, then the words spoken in his direction are equally open to the same punishment. if they are false, then i apologise for the ill feelings i have towards said individual.

im not gonna lie, matt you helped to fuck a lot of people out of a lot of things, but you are not alone in this. there are, in my opinion several other selfish people that have also had their hands too deep in the cookie jar to see that with a boost from those they are pushing away is all they would need to get to the sweet chewy goodness waiting at the bottom. and to these people i speak directly, you all will fail, pointedly and utterly fail, because in the end the selfish beat down the selfish. you all may feel you have the same point of view, the same angle, but alas you are going to crumble under the weight of greed and the utter dismissal of those you feel inferior to yourselves.

to this last point i speak personally and from a position of such ill and hurt feelings that none of you could possibly grasp in you state of so called perfection. it pains me to think i called a few of you friends. and it further pains me to think that i have given up so much of my real life, and real friends to be so horribly offended by people that i actually cared about.

on a high note, you all have found a way to kindle that which is the ire of mag... this is not a happy firing line to be in front of to be sure. and so in closing matt, i will surely miss you my friend, at least you had the stones to own up to what you feel you have done with ill results. and to the rest of you, if you should bother to have read this far, i leave you with spite... i shall gladly LEAD LaG to glory and riches the likes of which i truly hope you never see. and i will indeed proudly suit up in a full set of T6 and tell you to your faces exactly what i think of each of you, were you can go, and what you can do with it. the "casual raiders" as you all so like to call them arent what held this guild back. what held as back was you overwhelming inability to see past your amazingly huge and pompous ego's, and see that all that which you desire would undoubtedly been achieved had you been willing to help your fellow man.

i have left out names for 1 reason, not so that those who stay know who you are, but so that you will never see it coming when the beast to which you have awakened comes crashing down upon your upturned  faces with such force, you will be forced to do or say nothing but stand there, shake your head, and realise that in the end, you phail at life, let alone friendship.

to the rest of this guild, there is a new day dawning, so do not be disheartened. in fact there is a silver lining to this all, for now, finally all the dead weight is gone. we can start anew, and hopefully with a renewed sense of fire and passion to take ourselves as a FAMILY of friends and players to the next level and beyond.

FIN!

P.S. for god sakes nick, get the sand out o ur noggin, do you really think i would let this guild fall completely apart?

i also apologise for all misspellings and typos, yall knw how much i hate typing on this damned thing

 

[McHolyPotato]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m4JLsz3OYtk

[Nick (Morgosh)]

im speachless.. Matt good luck to you brotha let me know where i can find ya so i can stay intouch.. i enjoyed the time i spent playing with you and your crew..

I look at it this way.. its just a game

[Galinda / Baneswife]

wow

[Dixxie]

Matt, i understand what your saying and we're your coming from, but i dont think this is YOUR fault entirely, hell not even near it. guilds dont die cuz of 1 person but from a group of reasons that get left un-solved for too long, to blame all this on urself makes me feel soooo sad for you, u cant be so hard on yourself, really, dont be! 

I dont agree with everything you said, and to blatently say that to katty and banie, i gave u soooo much more credit than that, i cant beleive what i was reading.. there are ways to be honest and say whats on ur mind...without crushing people... theres different ways to go about doing it. Im gonna miss u, you were a good guy, just dont beat yourself up over this.

when i first joined LaG, donnie told me, the guild was a community, now just for WOW but for all kinds of things. I know WOW makes up the majority of the people here, but... does no more raids, really mean its all over?? of course not! Just think of all the good friends you've met, the good people LaG has gotten you to know. Why not go out with a smile on your face, you've done alot for this place, like i said dont pin this on yourself. Anyways, best of luck to you <3<3<3<3<3<3<3

oh and ps Maggy boy, if you really plan on being in charge somehow, i wish u the best of luck!


and matt... take care of yourself, hope you the best

[Roadill]

Ok, first of all I am going to speak my mind, I imagine I am going to be called a 'b*tch' like I was in gchat and told to 'stfu' but you know what?  I have as much a right to my opinions, judgements and expression as the rest of you.

What 'penance' is it you think you're doing by attempting destroying this guild that more people than just yourself put so much work into building up and maintaining?  And yes I am using the word 'attempting'.. you seem to think that your arrogance is going to determine the path for the rest of us, that we cannot go on 'drama gasp' without your permission.  To you and the others who have used b.s. excuses for leaving the last week, grow up.  I don't know what you're trying to accomplish by throwing away the time, money and manhours others have accumulatively spent on raiding with you, but have fun out there in Basketweaver land.

Secondly, this is supposed to be a guild built on friendship among gamers, or so I thought.  What are you trying to accomplish by bashing the hell out of Katriona and Baneswife?  We're all human, no one plays their 'toon' to perfection 100% of the time.  I haven't seen either of those people post on here against you.  I wonder how much help in-game you've squeezed out of these people you've secretly harbored malicious intent against.  Many of us have familes and jobs, and so we have conflicts and distractions irl that means we can't always give 100% toward your idea of 'perfection'.  Someone once said, 'If you can't handle me at my worst you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best' and I feel that quote best fits here.  You aren't someone who deserves to be a leader in any situation if you have no tolerance for mistakes.

Lastly, I'm not certain what other things Hodges did, but the SSC raid I was in with him he was utterly hostile towards me.  His post on the forums  where he laughed at a small child being suffocated to death by his neighbor's kids was uncalled for.  Again, most of us have families, some of us have children that are playing games online or are wanting to play games online, and the idea of exposing them to people so obviously in need of serious mental health evaluations is disturbing to say the least.  And please never put my name in the same paragraph as Hodges again.  Filth like him are why I won't let my 10 year old play Warcraft.  God only knows what kinds of things he would try talking her into inflicting on herself or others for a laugh.

Regardless of how psychological manuipulation you put into trying to make your post seem like a 'friendly goodbye' you have utterly failed.

[Bane]

I am not gonna be hostile, tho I could be. Nor angry , tho I am. I wish you good fortune in your young lives, all of you kids who left.
I notice that's the one trait you all share, you are all very young. Its fine, go and chase the purple pixels you desire, one day all will
realize the friendships you threw away were far more valuable. I think ultimately you  will all fail , it would have been FAR easier to
fix Lag then to leave and start fresh. Thanks Matt for all the time and effort you put into our guild , sorry you thought you wasted it
all. Maelstrom, shocked you left , kinda hurt my feelings the most but I am a big boy. Everyone else, I enjoyed our time together and
good luck to ya. I will miss some of you , oh well. One more thing Matt, I really don't understand your need to personally attack Kat or
my wife in you closing statement, what was the point?  K, thats it, I am done with you guys... peace

[Justin(spec!aL.K+)]

Now like anyone else here I could be hostile, not towards Matt or his crew or Rob and Angie. But I'll keep my opinion to myself and let it be.

Matt, you contributed so much to this clan(yes clan not just guild). Your "crew" were some of the absolute best players i've ever had the privledge of playing with. Rob and Angie, you guys f***ing rock and nothing anyone on these forums can say is going to change that. Even though I may disagree with the grounds that you left on, I accept it and wish you the best of luck.

and Matt thanks for saying the things MANY of the people in the guild are thinking. <3 bro

[Khellendross]

I've watched guilds fracture and splinter off enough times to know that it dosent work. You get ideals and dreams. You want to see new places and do new things. however the dreams and Ideals of which you wish to see will never come to pass. Most spinoffs where alot of guild members leave and form their own guild usually die out in a few weeks. a few months at the most. and never really see anything beyond what they were already doing to begin with. at which point most of the members will either want to come back to the main guild or app elsewhere. whatever the case may be.

I had to Edit this in. Sorry it wasn't in the original post.

Secondly to Baneswife.  I will try to say this in the most tactful way that I can.  This has nothing to do with you as a person, mother, wife or any other role you see yourself fitting in the world; this strictly has to do with you as a WoW player.  As a WoW player you are bad, and not just slightly bad but vastly bad.  You blame it on your gear level but again and again you display that you don't understand the subtle aspects of the game to even become a mediocre player.  I understand that you use the game as a social outlet and thats fine, but you try and compete with competent players which in my honest opinion will only lead you to dismay.

You were an Officer. An Officers duty is quite broad. second only to that of the leader himself. One of those duties is to keep the guild going and as happy as possible reguardless of the problems. And if there are problems. You fix them to the best of your abilities within the guild. Failing that, you address the guild as a whole with the problem and we attempt to fix it together.

A second duty is knowing how to play your class. Not just spec, but class. All aspects of that class. If Baneswife was bad, it was due to your negligence to take her aside and fix any issues she had. You played both of the same classes she does. Reguardless if there is a class leader over her (or staff for here) an officers job is to make his raid team the best as it damn well can be with the resources he's provided. I've played with BW on both of her characters, and i assure you. there is very little lacking in her playstyle. So bashing her about something that fails to exist? Yeah.

In all honesty. You're the failure here. It's been fun knowin ye Matt, but you could've done this much better.

To all of ye. You all helped make this guild into what it is today on Zuluhed. You'll be missed. But we'll find it within ourselves to continue without ye. *bows* I've said my peace. G'day.

[Alex (Riptearkill)]

I'm sorry to see this happen to you, when i was around for a year or two in LaG you were one of the best players around. As to him calling people out, sometimes things need to be said regardless of tact or hurting somebodies feelings. Hopefully you falling apart in WoW doesn't lead to the demise of these forums which are still entertaining after all this time with the occasional post that invokes arguments.

[Donnie (S3 / Jagor)]

I'm sorry to see this happen to you, when i was around for a year or two in LaG you were one of the best players around. As to him calling people out, sometimes things need to be said regardless of tact or hurting somebodies feelings. Hopefully you falling apart in WoW doesn't lead to the demise of these forums which are still entertaining after all this time with the occasional post that invokes arguments.

We're not falling apart in WoW, the truth is that some people left (which has happened before as I'm sure you know).  Regardless as to the status of the WoW guild, however, LaG is a clan which plays many games and has spanned nearly 10 years, 9 years under the name "LaG."  Having a single team at each other's throats is hardly enough to have a lasting effect on our forums or the clan in general.

Thanks for the kinds words in the direction of our forums, I know you've put a lot of effort into remaining a participant in them. 

[Oakmist]

Good luck with whatever life brings you Matt, I wish you nothing but the best.

[Donnie (Arne)]

Regardless of opinions or stances,  I feel fortunate to have been MIA during the past month and a half.  I don't need digital drama in my life.  Best wishes to those on all spectrum of the fiasco.  Go Gators!

[Galinda / Baneswife]

I have let the statements of Matt settle in for a bit, not wanting to give a knee-jerk reaction as I so often times do. From the beginning, I have looked up to Matt as a player and leader. He always has his shit together during raids and since I have had the distinct pleasure of leading a couple myself, I can appreciate the hard work that goes into that aspect of the game.

Matt, your words stung me. Perhaps because I feel that they are partly true. I am not a great player and sometimes I am only decent at best, but vastly bad? I don't think I have ever been vastly bad but you are entitled to your opinions and you know what they say about those.

Matt, good luck to you and good luck to your followers. It is a shame it had to end so poorly.

Lastly, thank you Road and Khell....I am glad for folks like you who aren't afraid to "tell it like it is"

[McHolyPotato]

Matt, good luck to you and good luck to your followers. It is a shame it had to end so poorly.

Lastly, thank you Road and Khell....I am glad for folks like you who aren't afraid to "tell it like it is"

Tell it like it is? Most everyone that responded to his post doesn't have a clue what they're talking about, but keep on posting its giving me a laugh.

[Donnie (S3 / Jagor)]

So we've locked this thread, sorry Matt... but some people can't see far enough beyond their own selfish, vindictive vices to see that the post is about you and your outlook on events.